Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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