He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
