went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We just shotgunned beers for America
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
