Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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