I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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