I looked at my own cervix.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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