Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
