Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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