how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
