Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
