i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
