theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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