I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
