i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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