Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
