Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
