i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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