I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize