He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
