just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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