we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
