I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
