By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
