Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
