I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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