Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Oh god it's open bar.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
