Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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