Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
