I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
