How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
