just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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