I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
