if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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