Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
