I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
