Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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