Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
