Your tits are I can't wait for
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
