I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My vagina is very pro this idea
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
