yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
