Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
