Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
