I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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