I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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