he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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