FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
