it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
