I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
