Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
