There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize