Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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