in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
