I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
