Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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