I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
