dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
