i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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