all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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