I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
