Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
